Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Remembering...A Year Later

November 21st, 2013 marked one year since my grandfather had passed away. With this date comes a flood of emotions that I've tried to put behind me over the past year. Some of you may or may not know that the moment my grandfather passed I was on my way to NY to spend 6 weeks, specifically with him, because we knew that he only had a short time left with us. Every 5 years my company gives us a 4 week paid sabbatical which I planned to take from Thanksgiving through New Year's so that I could spend what I knew would be the last holidays we would have with him...and in a split moment that opportunity was ripped away from me and that is where the flood of emotions come in.

Anger - Part of me thinks that in a way my grandfather was ready to go and knew his time was coming that morning. I was told that the day before he went to the hospital he had fallen over while sitting on the floor because he was so weak. He refused to let my dad take him to the hospital. Like the rest of the family, he is stubborn and will only go if it's a life or death situation. The next night he asked my grandmother to take him to the hospital because he was having troubles breathing, which is why I think he knew...he asked to go. On the way to the hospital my grandmother pulled over because she couldn't figure out the bright lights on the car that they had just recently purchased. My grandfather always drove, so she wasn't familiar with it. While she was pulled over a cop pulled up and asked if she needed help. She told him she was trying to figure out the lights and get my grandfather to the hospital. His response was to ask her if she had been drinking and then proceeded to tell her she should read her owner's manual. What the hell kind of response is that? I swore since I was told that, that if I ever had the opportunity to see this cop that not only would I tell him what a disgrace he is, I would probably punch him in the face. Here are 2 almost 80 year old people trying to get to the hospital. You should have offered to escort them, not make her feel stupid. It infuriates me to think about it!

Helplessness - There are parts that my dad and grandmother have told me about his last moments in the hospital that when hearing, literally feels like it tears my heart out. My grandfather hated having a breathing mask on, but they had to put one on him. Then they had to restrain him and give him morphine because he kept tearing it off. My grandmother said he gave her this pleading look and all she wanted to do was take it off for him. All I keep thinking is that I wish I was there so I could grab his sweet little face, look in his eyes and beg him to calm down and let them do what they needed to do to help him. My dad told me that he went to the truck by himself. Now, he is not a guy who prays all the time or goes to church, but he said that he sat in the truck and begged God to take him if he weren't going to have a productive life outside of the hospital. He said he prayed like he never prayed before and said he honestly can't explain what happened next, but said all of a sudden he started seeing all these circles spinning and got this indescribable feeling that came over him. He went back in the hospital and said it wasn't even 30 minutes later and Grandpa was gone. I can still hear the words in my head when he called to tell me..."We lost Grandpa". I have never longed to be somewhere so quickly in my life. Later he told me that while grandma and Aunt Jill went to take care of paperwork, he took that opportunity to sit with Grandpa and have his last moments and words with him. Dad said the hardest thing to do was leave him in that room alone because it just looked like he was asleep and so peaceful. All I can picture is my grandfather laying on a hospital bed, my dad sitting next to him holding his hand and just pouring his heart out to him.

Sadness - My grandfather's best friend, Paul, was also at the hospital when my grandfather passed. Paul had recently lost his wife and daughter-in-law to cancer and to this day it absolutely devastates him. Paul is probably one the the most gentle hearted, kind, caring and giving men I know. He was at the doctor's office with my grandfather when he was told he had cancer and was given 6 months to a year. On the way out he made the comment to my grandfather that "God keeps taking away everyone that I love"...it just crushes me to think about. Paul keeps in touch with my grandmother and comes over to help her with anything she needs all the time. For that, I am truly grateful and so thankful they were blessed with wonderful friends! It also saddens me to know that he will not be around for his great-grand kids and I know how good he would have been to them. I am grateful I had him around to be at my wedding, but saddened by the fact that he will not be there for any of my cousin's weddings or their graduations. He will only be there in memories and spirit.

Bitterness - Part of me is bitter about the fact that I had all of these grand plans for my time in NY with my grandfather that I never got the chance to have. I was looking forward to making and having those memories with him. We grew up in NY with my grandparents, but most of my time was spent with my grandmother. He was always working in the garage or had something he was doing, the man never sat still unless it was to sleep! I was finally going to be in NY by myself and get some one-on-one time with him. I wanted to go get coffee and hardrolls with him in the morning, help him with his projects he had going on and just sit and talk with him. I wanted to get to know family history from him, learn about his childhood, his parents, friends and anything else he wanted to talk about. All of those stories went with him and I will never get to hear them. The days of bitterness are very few, but sadly they are there. I know everything happens for a reason and sometime we never get answers on what those reasons might be, but I still can't help but question a lot of things.

Gratefulness - In the moments where I find myself bitter about the memories I was not able to make, I have to learn to be grateful for the ones I was able to have with him. I am grateful that we lived so close to them growing up and were able to see them just about every day. I am grateful for the loyalty he had to his friends and family. I am grateful he was such a hardworking, honest man and passed those traits down to his kids and grand kids. I am grateful for the help on 4-H projects, going ice fishing with him, being at the races with him, going to the garage while he worked on cars, watching him hand feed deer off the back porch, surprising him for his 75th birthday, celebrating their 59th anniversary with them and for being able to witness the love he had for my grandmother. I am grateful he was there to witness me getting married. I am grateful he was able to make the trip down to GA a couple months before he passed and that we were able to see him, even if it were for only a short time. I am even grateful for the times he would fall asleep on the couch, mid-conversation and would start talking to himself in his sleep.

Acceptance - At the end of the day, I am glad that he is no longer suffering. I am glad he no longer has to be pumped full of drugs and chemo. I'm glad he did everything on his own terms. He knew everyone was on their way up for Thanksgiving that day and I know that he did not want our final memories of him to be of him in pain, weak and not himself. When I have those moments of bitterness and question why God couldn't wait until we all got to NY to see him, deep down I know that we would be even more devastated had we witnessed what my dad, grandmother, aunt and Paul did that day. I am glad he went how he wanted and that he is now at peace. I just wish we could all find our own peace in all of this. I know that individually my dad, grandmother, aunts, uncle, cousins and family friends deal with the loss in their own ways, but we all agree on the same thing...even though he is gone, he was a great man who is still loved and missed very much. I am glad he left this world leaving a great legacy and a huge impression on everyone's hearts.

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